Chapter 1: My big mistake

I can’t believe I’m here.

If it wasn’t for the icy cold air that seemed to be biting into every part of me, right through my clothes and skin and into my bones, I would have thought I was in a dream.

It felt like I was at the furthest end of the Earth.

But of course, that had been the plan, to get as far away as possible from everybody and everything that I knew…

This is me, Zahra Alto.

Or at least it was me, about 8 months ago now. I was 17, just finished school, careless and carefree.

My life up to that point had not been a difficult one. I lived with my parents in a place called Isla Paradiso.

Back then my days were usually spent at the beach.

So yes, I had what you’d call a pretty leisurely life.

I had a wonderful boyfriend called Harley.

We had dated through high school and spent pretty much every spare moment together.

He was young, fit, tanned and very good-looking. He was also a genuinely decent kind of guy who was always good to me. I still think about him quite often. I did wrong by him, I know that.

I lived in this huge modern mansion with my parents, walking distance from one of their newest hotels.

These are my parents, Alfonso and Lopita Alto.

And this is their newest 5-star hotel.

My parents own a luxury resort empire. They are those highly ambitious and business-minded type of people, motivated by their own self-interest. All my life they have worked to build their one little seaside resort into a chain of 5-star mega-resorts and exclusive hotels. They succeeded, but it meant they had very little time for anything else – including me.

If I was ever so ungrateful as to wish for anything different in my life, it would be to have more loving and compassionate parents and to have brothers and sisters. Living as an only child had never suited me, but my parents didn’t like children in general so one was clearly enough for them.

My peaceful and leisurely life changed drastically when I made one big mistake, or rather you might say a series of small mistakes…

It began one day when I was hanging out at one of my parents hotels. They didn’t mind if I spent time at the resorts and used the facilities, just as long as I didn’t bother the tourists.

Harley was away for a few days at a surfing competition on a different island.

I was at the pool bar when a young man, one of the tourists staying at the hotel, took the stool next to me.

We got to talking, and I found I had never felt such a strong physical attraction to someone I had just met before.

His name was Rajan and he was friendly, handsome and exotic. He complemented me charmingly – and I was easily charmed.

I supposed I could have ended things then and there, told him I had a boyfriend and I wasn’t interested. But I was caught up in the moment, and boredom, loneliness and youthful naivety are the only excuses I can offer for my behavior that afternoon.

Getting into a hot tub with an attractive man was perhaps the start of my mistakes…

As he climbed into the steamy water beside me he slipped his arm around my shoulder. He leaned in and kissed me and I was too shocked to pull away, and after a moment I found I didn’t want to pull away.

The afternoon found Rajan and I in his hotel suite.

Afternoon progressed into evening and despite everything that happened afterwards, the time we spent together will always be imprinted in my memory. All the times I had been with Harley became a dull and distant memory after that one afternoon with Rajan.

The next morning Rajan left on his flight home, and a few days later Harley returned from his surfing competition. It seemed for a while that life would go back to normal.

But that was not to be the case.

I often went for a walk, down by the beachfront, first thing in the mornings. A few weeks after my encounter with Rajan, I had headed out for my usual walk.

As I was wandering along the grassy hill above the beach I was hit with an overwhelming wave of nausea. I doubled over and found myself heaving up my breakfast onto the grass.

When I finally stopped retching, I stood there for a long moment, trying to fight through the sudden dizzy sickness I was feeling.

And then I realized. I struggled to count the weeks since I’d met Rajan and since I’d had my last cycle. But even as I was trying to remember, I already knew the truth.

I was pregnant.

It was clear I was going to have to tell Harley about my time with Rajan. There was a small possibility that the baby was his, but as we were always very careful I knew it was unlikely. I could have still tried to pretend that it was Harley who had gotten me pregnant, but since we were both fair and blonde if the baby came out with Rajan’s hair or complexion it would be obvious that Harley wasn’t the father, and I couldn’t put him through that.

So I headed back to my parents house, where Harley was, having stayed the night. I resolved to tell him only that I had slept with Rajan and not mention that I was pregnant.

I don’t think I have ever felt so awful as I did in that moment, looking into Harley’s eyes and telling him that I had been unfaithful to him.

Of course he was angry. And he was hurt. He said some awful things to me, but I did not blame him. It was over quite quickly and he left, telling me he never wanted to see me again.

Well he got his wish, I will never see Harley again, but I hope one day he will forgive me and see that we were so young, only seventeen, and that it probably would have never worked for us long term anyway.

I felt physically and emotionally exhausted after he left, and I stumbled upstairs to my bedroom.

In my room, I felt the true gravity of the situation grow on me. I had lost my closest friend today, but more than that, I was going to have a baby and I would have to tell my parents at some point – I knew they were not going to take it well. I cried until I was too exhausted to cry any more. My parents had left for work early, so there was no one to hear me sobbing.

Pregnancy was terribly draining.

I was constantly nauseous.

I could be thankful for once that I had inattentive parents who never noticed me rushing to the bathroom to throw up every morning.

I had never felt so tired in my life. Though I tried to go the bed earlier than usual, I still had to have at least one nap through the day to keep functioning.

I put off telling my parents for as long as I could, but I had begun to notice the slight swelling of my stomach, and I knew I was beginning to show.

It was time, and I called them both together to talk to them.

It was awful.

Dad began shouting at me, and my mother went into some kind of shocked state.

Finally Dad got tired of yelling abusive things at me, he turned away in disgust, like he could hardly bear to look at me, and sat on the couch with his head in his hands.

My mother seemed rouse herself, and she stood up and reached out to me.

“What’s done is done,” she said shakily, “We have to think about what to do next.”

I felt so grateful to her until I heard her next words.

“How far along are you? We’ll have to have the wedding before you begin to show too much.”

“But Mum there isn’t going to be a wedding,” I said as gently as I could.

“No wedding!!!” she screeched. You’d have thought I’d just admitted to murder by her reaction.

My father looked up.

“You mean that bastard Harley is refusing to marry you?” he demanded.

“No! The thing is… Harley isn’t the father!” I explained.

We went round and round, my parents fought their side and I fought mine. They wanted me to terminate the pregnancy and I refused. They wanted me to marry Harley anyway and I refused. It was like a nightmare to feel how little my parents cared for me or my feelings. I was somehow damaged to them now, a burden, a disappointment, a difficult problem they now had to deal with.

Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I ran from the room.

The pain and misery I felt that night was indescribable. I had no idea what to do.

Then it became clear to me, there was only one thing I could do.

I had to leave.

I dragged out some suitcases and packed everything that I thought I might need or couldn’t live without.

Then, that same night, I left my parents house forever, determined to get as far away from my old home and old life as I possibly could.

So that’s how I ended up here, in a the small mountainous township of Vargfjell, with a baby on the way, ready to start my new life.